More Thoughts

Have you heard Cold Desert? I’ve been listening to it lately and it’s been weighing heavy on me. Particularly this verse:

I never ever cried when I was feeling down
I’ve always been scared of the sound
Jesus don’t love me, no one ever carried my load
I’m too young to feel this old

This song was written by a man who grew up in a deeply religious home with a pentecostal preacher for a father. A father who fell away from faith. And as his faith and family unraveled, his three little boys watched all that their life was built on fall away, stripped bare.

It strikes me in two ways. One, the incredible responsibility I have to my children. To live Christ. And two, I wonder, how does one turn away? How is it, that once you’ve seen and known and lived this faith, you can turn away? Wrestle with it, feel the weight of it, question it, sure. But turn away? I can’t grasp it.

I know that ultimately my children are responsible for their own faith. But, I also know that I’m responsible for living my life in a way that points them to Christ. I don’t want to be fearful of that, but it takes a depth and breadth of faith that I’m not always sure I have.

This song makes me want to get it right for my kids. It makes me want to cry for those boys and their preacher Daddy. And it makes me want to pray. For me, for my kids, for everyone struggling against the burden of doubt and fear.